I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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