my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
