guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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