What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
