How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
we're so committed to being not committed
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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