you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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