I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
