Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
