This is not my ceiling
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
