Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
