New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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