I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
