did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
