Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
