what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
