There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
