I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
3pm strippers are depressing
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
