I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
