I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
