I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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