They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
