trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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