so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
