woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
