apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
