We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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