Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
