I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
