Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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