right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My penis needs a shock collar
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
