Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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