saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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