Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
