I'm sorry my penis didn't work
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
