I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
