He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
