He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
