Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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