Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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