true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
