Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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