Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
