you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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