Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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