I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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