i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
