Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
