So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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