Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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