Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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