That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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