I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
