Got a toothbrush?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
