I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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