How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
