My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
