WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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