Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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