I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
