I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
